Sports Outside the Beltway

College Football Coach Job Application

DJ Gallo has written a quiz to weed out potentially bad college football coaches for ESPN’s Page 2. Some sample questions:

Are you available to work on Saturdays?
Yes / No (circle one)


Have you ever been convicted of a felony, associated with known felons or coached at Miami?
Yes / No (circle one)


What is your expected annual salary?
a) Approximately double the budget of the university’s arts program
b) I am flexible, but it must have at least six zeroes in it
c) I’m so good you can’t afford me. Or can you? I suppose the ball is in your court.


A bad hire says “what”?
What / I’m not a bad hire (circle one)

Job-Specific Questions

Imagine an official has mistakenly called holding on your team. Use the space below to tell him he was wrong in less than 50 words, but at least 35 of the words must be profanities.


You make a visit to the home of a highly touted recruit. The first question the recruit asks you is about the quality of your school’s academics. How would you respond?
a) Tell him the school’s academics are among the best in the nation
b) Immediately cross the recruit off of your list because he obviously has his priorities way out of whack
c) All of the above

A high school All-American you have signed is arrested on several felony charges. How would you respond?
a) Immediately withdraw his scholarship offer
b) Say that his arrest is simply proof that he desperately needs the structure and support of your program
c) Say that you will place him on a tight “three felonies and you’re out” leash during his freshman year
d) Both b and c

Same question — but the arrested player is a marginal, low-level recruit instead of a high school All-American. How would you respond?
a) Withdraw his scholarship and say your program cannot put up with such behavior
b) Say your program cannot put up with such behavior and withdraw his scholarship

You see a player from a poor background driving around campus in a $50,000 SUV while wearing thousands of dollars of jewelry. How would you respond?
a) Immediately launch an internal investigation of your program to determine who is giving money to your players
b) Do nothing and try to convince yourself that the player simply must have learned some creative legal and ethical ways to make money in his Economics 101 class

What do you see yourself doing five years from now?
a) trying to save my job by getting fan and alumni support for a second five-year plan
b) parlaying any success I’ve had here into a higher-paying job with a more prestigious program
c) being in over my head as an NFL head coach

What will be your first task as head coach if you are hired — outside of the obvious one of immediately purchasing the Web domain www.Fire[yourname].com so fans can’t start up an anti-you Web site?

A potentially useful tool.

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